dazedandconfused

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Feeling uncomfortable or insecure around other peoples kids, serious advice needed:?
Hello. This is kind of long so please bare with me.
This is a strange question, but I would appreciate honest answers. I’m 29 and I have a 3 year old daughter. I’ve been dating this guy and we have a very strange relationship. It’s a purely sexual relationship because he’s very involved with his baby’s mama, although they are seperated(they don’t live together). he’s also kind of a jerk, but sometimes he can be sweet, and we have a certain intimacy, which I was why I stick around…somewhat.
I’ve noticed when I date people, or even hang out with people,(friends also) I get very shy and insecure around their kids. ALTHOUGH I have a kid. I could probably attribute this to the fact that before I had my daughter, I didn’t really have too much exposure to kids, and also, I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, etc, (which is a whole other story, but onto this one)
I’m a shy person period, but i have gotten alot better over the years, and part of it, is my daughter.
So, this guy he has a 3 year old also, and they are VERY close, they have a very loving relationship. She was very, very attached to him, I can see that. I’m not jealous at all, atleast I don’t think I am. Its just when I’m around them, I feel like I don’t belong, or like I’m an intruder, (isn’t that strange)It feels awkward, when she comes up and talks to me, like he’s watching my every move, or something. I think part of THAT is, he’s very critical, and a bit judgemental anyway, and that’s what I’m feeling or that’s what I’m afraid of. Not to sound too ego centric, I’m a pretty girl, but i’ve had a hard life, and my personality is a bit odd. I’m a loner type of Gal. Although my life is slowly but surely getting back on track, i still feel insecure around people sometimes for these reasons. Plus, he would rather not have anything to do with the "baby’s mama", but he stays or still sleeps with her, because he’s afraid of not being able to see his daughter as much as does right now. He’s kind of afraid of her. I still feel guilty though for messin around with him, since his X is in Love with him, and we have to keep it on the down low.
Also, another awkward moment" this child is SCARY smart, she came right up to me one time, looked dead into my eyes, and started pointing out her shoes saying, U know my MOTHER bought these for me", etc, etc, she kept saying that and looking at me, and mentioning her Mom over and over again with her eyes. Really awkward.
Also, this guy really is a jerk(sad but true and I still mess with him), he does’nt treat me the best, admittedly, he refers to me as,"The booty call". etc. He seems to keep his life and mine seoerate, and our kids have only played together maybe three times.
U know, I’ve analized this. Maybe I feel like this because he does’nt make me feel welcome!! In his life. Maybe if he went out of his way to make me feel more comfortable, I would feel better. I can also sense how attatched she is to him, and he’s a bit of a snob
Another time, I spent the night. that morning his daughter called for him, he eventually brought her into the bed with us. It was sweet. He is such a good dad and so sweet to his daughter, but i still felt awkward around them. I eventually got up and left. Now, again, I can attribute this to the fact that he refers to me as the BOOTY CALL, and there are other factors in the relationship I won’t mention here. It’s worth mentioning, I never had a father. I didn’t even know who the guy was, and I never had step dads. No uncles, brothers, or cousins. No real men in my life growing up. Also, my baby’s daddy couldn’t give a rats ass either. Maybe this is WHY, I’m intimidated.
I’ve been also kind of dating another guy also with a 2 year old son. His kid and my kid have played a few times. I don’t feel quite as awkward around them. I think part of this is because he’s a boy(for some odd reason) and the other factors are, his dad is kind of messed up. He’s got problems. He has a depression problem, and his house and car are a mess. I feel more comfortable around them, I don’t know why, but I still feel wierd around other peoples kids.
I also dated a guy for a year and a half with no kids.
When we first met he was very good with my daughter, played with her, etc. But then he sarted being very rejecting towards her, and complaining about how, "all the women in this town have kids", etc.
For some odd reason, I was sad he wasn’t being as loving with my daughter, cuz I let him into my family, (one of the reasons we broke up), but part of me understood how he felt. (isn’t that terrible??..)
WHAT is wrong with me!!! What am I feeling here, and is it normal?? That’s what I want to know.
I mean I wish I could go in, as this charming school teacher, maternal type female that is immediately expert and loving with other peoples kids(I see women like this with my daughter all the time) but I’m not, although I’m very loving and good with my own daughter.

Father figure absent from your life as a child or not, what are you thinking? You are a booty call to this man, nothing else. Of course you’re going to feel uncomfortable around his daughter…you’re the other woman he’s cheating on her mother with. Chances are, her mother isn’t really his ex and doesn’t know he’s referring to her that way. Have some respect for yourself and your daughter and demand more from life.
Here’s a really novel, really old-fashioned idea, but it might bring you some lasting happiness (though you might have to wait a little while for it). Stop engaging in temporary relationships. The people you’re dating right now are people who have no intention of ever committing to you. Don’t sleep with anyone until you are convinced he will actually commit to you. Preferably, wait until he actually marries you or at least proposes marriage.
As rude as this may sound, your behavior completely opens you up to being the naive, stupid other woman who actually believed the cheating scum when he fed her the line about how his relationship with his child’s mother was over. You’re allowing yourself to be a carpet and everyone else is walking all over you.

As for your main question, about being uncomfortable around other people’s children, if this is really a concern for you, the only way around it is to be around children more often. Get into a play group or make friends with some other parents and invite their kids over to play with yours. It’s okay if you want to do it one child at a time, or if you want to start with just close friends or people you work with. Pick someone you’re not having a sexual relationship with, who has no other agenda than wanting their child to play with yours. You may find you aren’t as uncomfortable around children as you think. It doesn’t require a school teacher personality to like kids. They’re just little people. They have likes and dislikes the same as the rest of us. Get to know what those are. They’re probably pretty similar to your daughter’s if they’re around the same age.
A few hints: most little kids like coloring, painting, gluing things, etc. Most little girls like playing dress-up. For that matter, most little boys like playing dress up, they just like different things to dress up in. They love to pretend things. Most of the time, they like reading or being read to. Generally they like playing outside. Like the rest of us, they want to feel secure and loved. If you provide that kind of an environment for them, you’ll be just fine

Julianna G (Duck with a gun) | Dec 28, 2009

The guy you are having sex with is still into his baby’s mama. He is a bit of a jerk but sometimes he can be nice. He is very close with his daughter and you are not all that comfortable around her.

Dump him and go find a guy who is nice to you ALL the time, who can love your daughter as his own. Don’t settle for anything less than that for your daughters sake.

This guy is not the one.
Collette L | Dec 28, 2009